An Unholy Desire

“Are you still interested in this position? It’s going to be challenging.”

“Yes, I am.”

“It’ll require a lot of work, energy and dedication. Are you ready for that?”

“Yes. That’s one of the many qualities that drew me to this position. I like challenges. I. like. working.”

“It’ll…” 

Lately I keep having interview conversations like the one above. Interviewers ask several variations of the same question. Honestly, after the third time around, it’s tempting to pull out those imaginary water balloons in my bag & start hitting targets.

The underlying conversation:

“Are you up for a challenge? This job won’t be easy & we want to know that you’ll stick around. Will you do the job well?”

“Well, duh. Why do you think I applied for this position? Why do you think I’m here?!” [balloons start soaring]

Those imaginary balloons always look pretty like this… No water, though. Weird.

Perhaps during these conversations I’m not actually looking interviewers in the eye & answering confidently like I think I am. Maybe I’m actually shaking my head, clutching the chair’s arms & giving wild-eyed looks of “Please don’t take me!” Maybe I’m jumping up & down in a temper tantrum that would make a five-year-old proud. Maybe I’m saying something akin to the comic below & black-out those conversations. 

Perhaps?

Are interviewers terrified that someone might actually want to do the job under discussion? The last person left, so why would this candidate stick around? Why would anyone genuinely be interested in the job, organization, & staff? It’s just a paycheck, after all, so finding candidates who really do light up about all of the above are rare?

Is it the “naive college graduate” card that must be stamped across my forehead that’s the problem? Too idealistic & eager. Too inexperienced in this & that. Too interested & active in too many things. Too dang happy & confident.

Do people just not like working? It’s not normal. You ought to be depressed about life & only live for the weekend?

Please. No.

If so, this sucks. Crazy – this girl really enjoys working.

That’s one of the many problems with being blessed with opportunities to do what you love with people & organizations you care about. It’s addictive. It’s stimulating. It’s satisfying. You seek similar “I love this!” opportunities. (What?!)

Work won’t always be easy & tickle-me-silly fun. That’s a given. But why not enjoy what you do & who you do it with?

It’s your life, for goodness’ sake!

There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. (Ecclesiastes 2:24)

Amen.

So, yes, I’m up for a challenge & I want to do this job with your team & your organization. I. Like. Working. And I’d like to do it with you. You down with that? 

P.S. Occasionally I have a desire to throw water balloons at frustrating people. I never act on it. Is that okay? 

Growing Pains

During these past couple years of displacement, I thought I was getting dumber.

Why would I say something like that, you ask?

I made really stupid, out-of-character mistakes & tumbles. I found myself kissing more pavement than I have since I was 15. My car has had far too many close calls for my own sanity. I forgot to take care of really important tasks, like submitting reports & eating. I’d send emails that were lacking attachments or important details. I’d send the wrong cover letter to a job application. I missed appointments because I either never wrote them down or wrote down the wrong information.

This was not me. I may mispronounce words like “cinnamon” & “synonym” & get lost in Dallas or obscure Midwestern towns, but this forgetfulness & clumsiness is not typical Cortney behavior.

As a result, I spent more time than is probably healthy muttering to myself & brooding in parking lots.  (Avoiding calamities is much easier when you’re sitting in a parked car with the keys out of the ignition.)

It’s perfectly natural & human to make mistakes.  Making mistakes & dumb decisions was not the problem. The trouble was that they kept increasing & I was beginning to wonder if I’d even make it through the year.

During a phone call with my mother, she shared a bit of eye-opening insight.

Distraught Daughter: “Why am I getting so stupid? How could I have possibly gotten this far through life & be nearing the end of grad school & be so utterly dumb?”

Patient Mother: “You’re not getting dumber. This is just a stage of life.”

Distraught Daughter: “No, I have to be. It happened again, Mom. I almost got hit by a car three times today – twice in the blazer & once as a pedestrian. I got yet another parking ticket & I put down the wrong date for the interview!!” (inarticulate groans of frustration & whining)

Patient Mother: “You know, I could tell when you & your brother were going through growing pains because you had more bruises & falls.  Your bodies were changing, your minds were expanding, or your hearts were evolving. Those bruises showed me that you were growing. I think you’re doing the same thing now. Your heart is expanding & your mind is challenged, so other things go by the wayside. You’re going through growing pains.”

As I’ve increasingly begun to realize on a more conscious level, my mother is a friggin’ genius.

So… what if these odd clumsy stages of life aren’t just me being an inept creature, but actually indicators that I’m growing, if not in body, then in other ways.  Sure, we’re always growing, but some stages push us more than others.

How liberating. And irritating. As always, I’m tempted to pray the unChristian prayer:

God, wouldja stop growing me? I’m tired of it. I’m good. Let’s just stick with where we are now & come back to that another time, k? Thanks. Give Jesus a high five for me. Peace out, my bros.

Okay, let’s be honest, I’ve never considered calling the Holy Trinity “my bros” or shooting Jesus a high five (Hello,  Barney Stinson?). But the crux of this tempting plea remains:

Would you stop this painful, frustrating process of taking in more than I think I can handle right now? I’d like to make it through the year with my body, my heart, my head & my bank account intact. 

If only we didn’t have to go through growing pains to, well, grow! Let’s face it, change isn’t easy, even if it’s for an obviously good reason.

Growing. Can. HURT. (But that’s a whole other thought to ponder for another day…)

For whatever reason, sometimes we’ll go through times when we just can’t seem to get it together. When nothing seems to turn out the way we expected it to. When we continually fall to our knees (either deliberately or accidentally) & start to wonder “What the heck is wrong with me?!” When we just want to pitch in the towel (Where did the towel come from in the first place?…) & hibernate for a couple hundred years.

But maybe… just maybe… our time of awkwardness, seemingly continual failures & mistakes is actually an indicator that we’re growing in ways that we’re unaware of. Instead of getting dumber or more inept, our minds are able to take in more conflicting information & understand it more fully. Perhaps our hearts are expanding & developing a richer capacity to give. Possibly our souls are becoming more fully the unique “us” that we were always meant to be.

We just have to go through the refining process to get there. Of course, that leads us to this verse:

Psalm 66:10 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹⁰ For You have tried us, O God; 
You have refined us as silver is refined.

We’re being refined, even if we can’t see anything but failures, bruised shins & parking tickets. That’s liberating.

I’m not being a klutz, I’m finding my silvery sparkle! 

So the next time you find yourself going through a series of frustration, failure & falls, you might want to reconsider the tendency to blame yourself. You just might be growing.

Day 879: Sunlit Saturdays

Unfortunately, not the view I had this Saturday... but imagine you were there for this!

Waking up stretched out on a luxuriously soft bed in a sunlit room on a Saturday – I think I may have just found a slice of heaven. It’s even better when you wake up early, just because you can, and enjoy the stillness and quiet beginnings of the day. I’m thankful that most people don’t get up early on Saturdays, quite frankly, it’d mar the moment.

Isn’t it refreshing when you have those moments that you’re so thankful to just be alive? To take a deep breath and enjoy the contentment. I’m just about giddy in my toes to remember some of those sweet, pure memories.

I’ve been blessed with many of those moments this semester while coaching my children’s drama team. Teaching (and learning) from kids is always a treat… even when I’d like to throw something at them. My 3-6 graders are rowdy, silly, honest, funny, frustrating, hopeless – definitely a handful. I wouldn’t sacrifice my Sunday afternoons with them for anything. They were nervous to perform for the UC a couple nights ago, but my co-coach, Kylor, and I just about danced with joy as we watched them give it their best shot. That’s one of the many things that rocks about helping people – seeing them grow, develop confidence, and succeed. Boy, I love those kids!

Of course, working with others also means that you must grow in some form or fashion also. “No man is an island,” after all. I could list all of the things they’ve taught me last year and this year, but it’s not necessary. Plus, the learning never ends!

The necessity of wisdom brings me to my Bible reading for the day. It’s only appropriate to read up on this while preparing for competition, or really – life in general.

Proverbs 13

Proverbs 13:4 The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.

Proverbs 14:23 In toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.

Ugh… these verses are dreadful reminders of the paper I must finish this weekend that I’ve been hiding from for the past week. Stop being a sluggard!

Proverbs 13:7 One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing, another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.

How very Hallmark-ish, yet true. Actually, there was a guy like that in my town in Texas. A gentle elderly man rode his bike, lugging a foldable chair, to several spots in town. He’d stand on the street corners and greet passerby with a “Have a great day!” and “How are you?” He’d occasionally sit back and read his Bible in the hot sunshine. One time my dad offered him a ride home to his shabby apartment. Dad later shared rumors he’d heard that the man was actually rich but chose to live in destitution. I’ve always been curious as to why he did that and wondered what his soul must look like. He may have seemed a bit crazy, but he had a beautiful heart.

Proverbs 13:10 By insolence comes nothing but strive, but with those who take advice is wisdom.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Another reminder of how blessed I am to have wise counselors in my friends and family. It’s so tempting to ignore their prodding and advice, but usually they’re right. I need them to keep my head from floating into the clouds.

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

I could talk about hope forever – it’s what keeps me going and inspires me. How exhilarating it is when things work out, even more so when it’s how you never expected it to!

Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Oh boy! I need this reminder when I’m not sure what to do when working with kids. Of course, I don’t want to beat them, but they need discipline – not only for my sanity but also for their growth.

Proverbs 14:7 Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.

 So true, yet hilariously said.

 Proverbs 14:10 The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.

 Solomon, I don’t understand you. Just so you know.

Proverbs 14:15 The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps.

Proverbs 14:16 One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but the fool is reckless and careless.

As one who likes to believe that everyone is honest, this is a necessary reminder to look a little deeper at what’s in front of me.

Proverbs 14:19 The evil bow down before the good, the wicked at the gates of the righteous.

 Certainly one to investigate deeper… (but not now).

Proverbs 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the heart rot.

Oh how I wish each of us could be truly content with ourselves! This world would be a much prettier and happier place. Geez… we’re such troublesome creations sometimes.

Later…

By the way, my kids got gold! Actually, all of our kids got gold in their various competitions. I’m proud of them. : )