So… a few minor things have happened since my last post. For the most absurd reasons, I’ve been too distracted/busy/lazy/happy to share the latest developments…
A career game-changer. I got a really great, this-is-what-I’ve-been-hoping-&-looking-for job that didn’t exist until a few months ago. (What the what?!) Student development, public relations, programming, loads of learning, a rock-my-world-staff… jackpot.
A change of address. You know, the usual – pack up all belongings, travel 1,000+ miles to an un-traipsed state, settle into an unseen apartment, plant yourself in a sea of unknown faces, & get to work. (Whatevs…)
Salt River, photo courtesy of Sky Island Riders.Curly, Rosy, & Samy are happily hanging out, too… until I gave them too much water-love.
A new mode of transportation. The beloved Blazer (discussed here, here ,& here) (Obsessed much?) & I parted ways due to her lackluster A/C, knack for falling apart, & numerous reminders of hard times. My new lady, Chardonnay, & I have a brilliant future ahead of us (no doubt).
United on a rainy day, parted on a stormy day…World, meet Chardonnay
A new church family. When striking out into new territory, this girls needs friends with a similar God-lens. I’m thankful to have quickly found a group that fits what I was seeking.
Someone tall, dark & handsome. Not the plan (repeat in underlined text). But… as I’ve been learning, this twist in the path is indisputably sweet, good & just right. This guy is special. I like who I am with him & apart from him. The whole darn thing is splendid. And that’s all that needs to be said.
Hm. That’s plenty for one post.
Expect to see thought-provoking, mind-blowingly wise & deep jots in the near future…
After a few months into round one of job searching, I took myself out on a reality check. At the time, all of my jobs were ending, my housing contract was coming to a close & the rejection letters were pouring in. It was time to rework my fears & doubts before I implemented my plan to become Miss Rip van Winkle. When in doubt, avoid it, right?
In skimming the lists, think about what’s going on in your life. What does it look like right now? What are your big fears? Are they realistic or blown out of proportion?
I’ve gotten into the habit of whipping out this outline when it comes to interviews & rejections, housing failures, guys & break-ups, & so on. It keeps me real… & laughing at myself.
Immediate Outlook
Cons: This sucks. Fact.
Uncertain future. Housing. Jobs.
How will I survive & pay bills?
How will I pay off my loans? I’m gonna be paying off student loans forever!
Where will I live? What do I do about my stuff?
I can’t make plans or commit to anything!!
Pros: This is exciting. Anything is possible. Also fact.
Young, single & capable
Motivated, willing, & energetic
I can do anything. I can go anywhere.
I can pursue my top spots & big dreams.
More in the driver’s seat than ever before: can shape my career however I want.
The Fears
Wide-Eyed Frantic Fears
Never get a job
Get into debt
Have to sell everything
Have to move in with my parents
Get stuck with people who give me the creeps (plenty of unwanted guy attention at the time)
Homeless, hopeless, desperate, depressed, lonely, & lost
Shanty on the river
Gonna be a loser & forever keep disappointing myself
Flip It: Face the Facts
I will get a job. It may not happen quickly. I may juggle multiple jobs for years, but I will find satisfaction in my life. Whatever & wherever I end up.
I’ve planned ahead for potential poorness. I’ll be okay.
Mom & Dad will help me if need be. (Yeck.)
I have too many options to have to move home.
I choose where I apply.
Learning to live without my bed, my dishes, my books & practically everything I own might be good for me. Who really wants to use that snappy red kitchen table anyway? (sigh)
I have too many reasons to hope & support to get…homeless, hopeless, desperate, depressed, lonely, lost, & move into a shanty on the river.
Watching sitcoms for the sake of “thinking philosophically” isn’t sound reasoning. But… sometimes you may see & hear exactly what you need.
A few years ago, I discovered How I Met Your Mother. After a nighttime jog, I settled in for a stretching session in our living room & flipped on Lifetime for some company. Double Date was on & Ted said just the words I’d needed to hear for weeks. (Hey! A reference for a future post!) I was hooked.
Character taxi shot… because that’s obviously all they do anyway. (Where’s Ranjit?!)
The series has continued to bring up concepts that have been on my heart & in my life. (No, Barney Stinson isn’t trying to get into my pants & I don’t live above a bar.) HIMYM is relatable. Ladies & gentlemen, it happened again.*
The last episode(s) in 2012, The Final Page, brought several thoughts to ponder. (This isn’t an episode review, just watch it. It’ll rock your socks off… unless you’re already barefoot.)
This time, I couldn’t help but see these ideas:
Boldness. Stupidity. Learning. Forgiveness.
During a critical moment of part 1, the gang realizes how important it is to let go & let be.
Narrator Ted: Kids, sometimes in life you’ll make a pit for someone in your mind but ultimately the only person in that pit is yourself…. Which means there’s only one person who can let you out of that pit… yourself.
You didn’t decorate your pit with drapes & plastic plants, Ted? Didn’t you borrow my decorating book? For shame…
In part 2, Ted urges Robin to go find Barney.
Robin: I can’t keep making an ass** of myself.
Ted: Well, a word in defense of making an ass of yourself – it’s underrated. Eight years ago I made an ass of myself chasing after you, & I made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. But I have no regrets. Because it led me to something that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It led to you being my friend. So, as your friend & a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself, I say to you from the heart… get the hell out of this car.
* Note: The next series of posts will be a catch-up of backlogged thoughts from the past several months. Apologies in advance for timeline confusion.
**Note: If seeing the word “ass” repeatedly bothers your sensibilities, I advise you to stop reading this post. The word is used to be true to the HIMYM words & to illustrate a point. No vulgar or crass thoughts were intended.
The Ass in Each of Us
It’s all too easy to relate to Ted’s perspective as an expert in being an ass. I’ve done a lot of that. In fact, I think Ted & I may have a future together for that very reason. (Call me, Ted. We still have a chance, right? You haven’t really met the mother yet. I mean, it’s not like she’s with you in the future or anything…). I’ve made a lot of stupid choices. None have “destroyed my life” (to put it mildly), but… all the same, I should have known &, more often than not, did know better.
Of course, you vow that you’ll never do something as stupid as X again.
And then, being human, you break that vow.Perhaps it’s not exactly the same thing (though, in retrospect, this seems oddly familiar…). Perhaps it doesn’t have exactly the same consequences. But… it’s equally stupid, & you knew it when you did it.
I do believe, though, that the trick is learning how to, well, learn from these mistakes. (Chicken Soup-ey enough for you?)
Pure elementary, right? Why is it so dratted hard to do?…
Learning Lesson #345, Take 2
Several weeks ago I made a choice that was indisputably foolish. During the following days, I berated myself, “Why did you do that? Why did you go down that path when you weren’t ready for it? Why?….”
Yet after reflecting on it & talking it through with trusted friends, I’m okay with it. I’m certainly not thrilled with myself, but it’s just another lesson in “ass-making.” It wasn’t wise, but it’s not the end of the world & no bridges were blown up through the experience. Not too shabby, I think.
It’s remarkable – if this moment had happened a year ago, I’d probably definitely still be kicking myself today. Realizing that you’re not going to make perfect choices is easy (well, sort of). Accepting that reality can be seemingly impossible.
But… with time & experience, you really can get better at not routinely & constantly kicking yourself for choices made, words said, or silences kept.
Eventually you learn how to become an “expert in the field of making an ass of yourself.”
Do you regret those aspects of your past? Oh yes.
Did you learn from it? You better have.
That’s okay. That’s good.
Note: I am no superhero at this “self-acceptance-&-forgiveness” process. I’m more of a super-over-reflector. Like this guy… I just keep thinking. And thinking. And thinking.
Embrace the Ass
If Ted wasn’t an ass (multiple times), then his friendship with Robin would never have happened. If we haven’t made asses of ourselves at least occasionally, then we’d never learn how utterly stupid we can be & what beautiful things can happen as a result of our foolishness.
If you hadn’t made decision A, then results B, C, & D may have never happened.
So if results B-D have shaken up your world, isn’t it okay now that you were an ass? You learned who you were. Or who you’re not. You learned what hurts you & others.
Then you start to realize that it’s up to you, & you alone, to let yourself out of that pit. Torturing yourself isn’t going to help you feel any better… not in the long run. (Let’s think this through: you’re still stuck in a hole with no ladder. The outlook isn’t sunny.)
Just… let yourself be human & accept your tendencies to be a total ass.
Now use that ass to climb up out of the pit of your own making. See the sunshine. Breathe in the freedom.
Inspirational hat from my high school: reminding you to butt out & be proud. Just kidding… (Didn’t your high school sport giant paper cigarette hats?)
Coffee Chats & Yoga Mats 