So… a few minor things have happened since my last post. For the most absurd reasons, I’ve been too distracted/busy/lazy/happy to share the latest developments…
A career game-changer. I got a really great, this-is-what-I’ve-been-hoping-&-looking-for job that didn’t exist until a few months ago. (What the what?!) Student development, public relations, programming, loads of learning, a rock-my-world-staff… jackpot.
A change of address. You know, the usual – pack up all belongings, travel 1,000+ miles to an un-traipsed state, settle into an unseen apartment, plant yourself in a sea of unknown faces, & get to work. (Whatevs…)
Salt River, photo courtesy of Sky Island Riders.Curly, Rosy, & Samy are happily hanging out, too… until I gave them too much water-love.
A new mode of transportation. The beloved Blazer (discussed here, here ,& here) (Obsessed much?) & I parted ways due to her lackluster A/C, knack for falling apart, & numerous reminders of hard times. My new lady, Chardonnay, & I have a brilliant future ahead of us (no doubt).
United on a rainy day, parted on a stormy day…World, meet Chardonnay
A new church family. When striking out into new territory, this girls needs friends with a similar God-lens. I’m thankful to have quickly found a group that fits what I was seeking.
Someone tall, dark & handsome. Not the plan (repeat in underlined text). But… as I’ve been learning, this twist in the path is indisputably sweet, good & just right. This guy is special. I like who I am with him & apart from him. The whole darn thing is splendid. And that’s all that needs to be said.
Hm. That’s plenty for one post.
Expect to see thought-provoking, mind-blowingly wise & deep jots in the near future…
After a few months into round one of job searching, I took myself out on a reality check. At the time, all of my jobs were ending, my housing contract was coming to a close & the rejection letters were pouring in. It was time to rework my fears & doubts before I implemented my plan to become Miss Rip van Winkle. When in doubt, avoid it, right?
In skimming the lists, think about what’s going on in your life. What does it look like right now? What are your big fears? Are they realistic or blown out of proportion?
I’ve gotten into the habit of whipping out this outline when it comes to interviews & rejections, housing failures, guys & break-ups, & so on. It keeps me real… & laughing at myself.
Immediate Outlook
Cons: This sucks. Fact.
Uncertain future. Housing. Jobs.
How will I survive & pay bills?
How will I pay off my loans? I’m gonna be paying off student loans forever!
Where will I live? What do I do about my stuff?
I can’t make plans or commit to anything!!
Pros: This is exciting. Anything is possible. Also fact.
Young, single & capable
Motivated, willing, & energetic
I can do anything. I can go anywhere.
I can pursue my top spots & big dreams.
More in the driver’s seat than ever before: can shape my career however I want.
The Fears
Wide-Eyed Frantic Fears
Never get a job
Get into debt
Have to sell everything
Have to move in with my parents
Get stuck with people who give me the creeps (plenty of unwanted guy attention at the time)
Homeless, hopeless, desperate, depressed, lonely, & lost
Shanty on the river
Gonna be a loser & forever keep disappointing myself
Flip It: Face the Facts
I will get a job. It may not happen quickly. I may juggle multiple jobs for years, but I will find satisfaction in my life. Whatever & wherever I end up.
I’ve planned ahead for potential poorness. I’ll be okay.
Mom & Dad will help me if need be. (Yeck.)
I have too many options to have to move home.
I choose where I apply.
Learning to live without my bed, my dishes, my books & practically everything I own might be good for me. Who really wants to use that snappy red kitchen table anyway? (sigh)
I have too many reasons to hope & support to get…homeless, hopeless, desperate, depressed, lonely, lost, & move into a shanty on the river.
As a Yogini, I had to jump on this one! Inspirational picture found here.
Be prepared for a ramble. It’s gonna be a long one. I’ll try to keep it shorter in future posts…
Oh, Mother Dear!
If it hasn’t been clear, I’ve been talking to my mother a lot. She’s been subject to more phone calls since I hit this odd transitional phase than she ever got throughout most of my college career.
(Mom, I’m making up for all the check-in phone calls I never did during junior high & high school. We’ve caught up on those now, right? Forgive your former teenager for the frustration?…)
This is not normal.
In fact, it’s downright embarrassing how many times I’ve called her to bemoan my future, ask rhetorical questions she can’t possibly answer, talk through different plans of action, & beg for advice.
I’ve become “one of those girls” – the type who call their mother every day. How dreadful.
Honestly, I’m starting to think that you need your mother more the older you get. (Note: Research needed here.)
Yes, this twenty-something woman often feels like a 3-year old. Awesome.
Mom told me that sometimes it seems when we talk (or rather, I bombard her with plans & fears) that I don’t think she understands. She really does.
Actually, that’s all the more reason I want to talk with her – she “gets” it.
A-Wee-Bit-Less-Patient Mother: “I know you better than anyone else probably does.”
She’s right.
How humbling. And totally creepy.
(Just kidding…)
(Of course, we could dive off into a theological debate about what it means to “be known.” God knows me best. I know myself best. People know different aspects of you, so no one can never truly know you. Etc. That’s not why I’m here today, though.)
Throughout this agonizing time of finishing up graduate work, searching for full-time work, shuffling multiple part-time jobs, sleeping on borrowed beds, processing close encounters with the opposite sex, dealing with a dying car, & so forth… my family has never given up on me.
It sounds incredibly hokey, but it’s mind-blowingly true. Yet… it’s more than that.
Sometimes you get your noodles. Sometimes they get you.
Blessings & Curses
I’ve found that when you’re searching for “that next step,” whatever that may be (new home, jobs, relationships, etc.), it’s a blessing & a curse to be surrounded by so many caring people who readily offer their input about what you ought to do.
It’s a blessing to be so loved by such wonderful people who want you to succeed & will happily offer guidance to help you get there.
It’s a curse because it can be bewildering & knock you off track. You can’t find your own voice in the midst of all the chatter.
When working though a decision, you can quietly & confidently say, “I know that isn’t the right fit. Something feels off. It just doesn’t motivate me. I really wish it did, but it… just… falls flat.” Then others ask you (perfectly reasonable) (absolutely aggravating) questions.
“Why did you turn it down? That job might have led to something.” (I know… but…)
“That could tide you over for awhile. I wouldn’t be too high & mighty if I were you.” (Am I being arrogant??)
“Have you thought about looking into BLANK career field? There’s good money there.” (If only “good money” was motivational! And what does that mean, anyway? Drat, drat, drat.)
“You may not get a job in the field that your education is in. Don’t limit yourself. Look for & apply for things you can do.”(Insert snarky comment: Well, duh. How much of an idiot do you think I am?!)
Then the panic kicks in. You second-guess yourself. “Am I being too idealistic? Too vain? Limiting myself? Avoiding opportunities? I really am searching& exploring different avenues. Am I doing this wrong? I had all of this settled just a few hours ago. What’s wrong with me?!”
I hate feeling this fickle. As a girl who typically feels strong & capable, these moments do anything but that.
Then I call my parents, brother or sister & spill my confusion, “I thought – but they said – was that a dumb decision? Am I hoping for too much? Am I being silly? What am I doing wrong? What-? How-? Why-?”
Those four rock-stars are the best teammates a girl could ever have. Sure, we’re perfectly dysfunctional. But… they have taught me a heckuva lot about what it means to love purely, the best that humans can do. (My inner angsty 15-year-old is eating crow right now.)
No matter what the issue is, each of them respond with one concern, “What’s best for you?”
Just… wow.
Yes. And thank you.
Trusting Your Inner Voice
That’s one of the coolest, most annoying things about having a great family – they really do “get” you & know you. Throughout this journey they have consistently looked out for me & been willing to talk through everything. They know my past, where I thrive, where I struggle, & what’s healthy & unhealthy for me.
This is not to say that other friends & family don’t care for me or don’t know me. That’s not the case at all.
It’s just that… those four “know” me. They want me where my heart will thrive & don’t want me to settle for anything less than that.
One of the greatest gifts they’ve given me is the freedom & space to trust my own voice.
Sure, they ask questions & raise concerns. That’s a big reason that I turn to them – they see shady spots that my rose-tinted glasses often dim. I need loving critics who can identify troublesome spots.
They help prevent problems like this.
Underlying it all, though, is their underlying belief in me. They believe in me & push me to do the same.
My parents have repeatedly told me this year, “We believe in you. We know you. You’re not disappointing us. You’re doing all you can & that’s all we ask of you.”
My family doesn’t think I’m crazy, foolish, lazy, dimwitted, lacking, or a host of other things that I often struggle to remember as I drive home to sleep in my borrowed bed or sit down to tackle the seemingly unending list of waiting job applications.
They remind me to trust that inner voice & confidence that has consistently guided me so far. Quite frankly, I’ve had a full, satisfying time of reaching the point where I am now. I wouldn’t dare trade those experiences just for a sense of stability. I trusted my gut & that voice then, & my life has been the richer for it – why would I stop now?
My family reminds me of who I am, where I’ve been & continue to remind me to believe in myself… & the One who’s got me. They remind me to listen to the voice that’s always with me & always will be.
Positively incredible.
I hope & pray that you (yes, you stunningly attractive reader)are blessed with teammates such as these.
Psalm 143: 8, 10 8 Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life. … 10 Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
Coffee Chats & Yoga Mats 