Competing Voices

As a Yogini, I had to jump on this one! Inspirational picture found here.

Be prepared for a ramble. It’s gonna be a long one. I’ll try to keep it shorter in future posts… 

Oh, Mother Dear!

If it hasn’t been clear, I’ve been talking to my mother a lot. She’s been subject to more phone calls since I hit this odd transitional phase than she ever got throughout most of my college career.

(Mom, I’m making up for all the check-in phone calls I never did during junior high & high school. We’ve caught up on those now, right? Forgive your former teenager for the frustration?…)

This is not normal.

In fact, it’s downright embarrassing how many times I’ve called her to bemoan my future, ask rhetorical questions she can’t possibly answer, talk through different plans of action, & beg for advice. 

I’ve become “one of those girls” – the type who call their mother every day. How dreadful.

Honestly, I’m starting to think that you need your mother more the older you get. (Note: Research needed here.)

Yes, this twenty-something woman often feels like a 3-year old. Awesome.

Mom told me that sometimes it seems when we talk (or rather, I bombard her with plans & fears) that I don’t think she understands. She really does.

Actually, that’s all the more reason I want to talk with her – she “gets” it.

A-Wee-Bit-Less-Patient Mother: “I know you better than anyone else probably does.”

She’s right.

How humbling. And totally creepy.

(Just kidding…)

(Of course, we could dive off into a theological debate about what it means to “be known.” God knows me best. I know myself best. People know different aspects of you, so no one can never truly know you. Etc. That’s not why I’m here today, though.)

Throughout this agonizing time of finishing up graduate work, searching for full-time work, shuffling multiple part-time jobs, sleeping on borrowed beds, processing close encounters with the opposite sex, dealing with a dying car, & so forth… my family has never given up on me.

It sounds incredibly  hokey, but it’s mind-blowingly true. Yet… it’s more than that.

Sometimes you get your noodles. Sometimes they get you.

Blessings & Curses

I’ve found that when you’re searching for “that next step,” whatever that may be (new home, jobs, relationships, etc.), it’s a blessing & a curse to be surrounded by so many caring people who readily offer their  input about what you ought to do.

It’s a blessing to be so loved by such wonderful people who want you to succeed & will happily offer guidance to help you get there.

It’s a curse because it can be bewildering & knock you off track. You can’t find your own voice in the midst of all the chatter.

When working though a decision, you can quietly & confidently say, “I know that isn’t the right fit. Something feels off. It just doesn’t motivate me. I really wish it did, but it… just… falls flat.” Then others ask you (perfectly reasonable) (absolutely aggravating) questions. 

• “Why did you turn it down? That job might have led to something.” (I know… but…) 
• “That could tide you over for awhile. I wouldn’t be too high & mighty if I were you.” (Am I being arrogant??)
  
• “Have you thought about looking into BLANK career field? There’s good money there.” (If only “good money” was motivational! And what does that mean, anyway? Drat, drat, drat.)
• “You may not get a job in the field that your education is in. Don’t limit yourself. Look for & apply for things you can do.” (Insert snarky comment: Well, duh. How much of an idiot do you think I am?!)

Then the panic kicks in. You second-guess yourself. “Am I being too idealistic? Too vain? Limiting myself? Avoiding opportunities? I really am searching& exploring different avenues. Am I doing this wrong? I had all of this settled just a few hours ago. What’s wrong with me?!”

I hate feeling this fickle. As a girl who typically feels strong & capable, these moments do anything but that.

Then I call my parents, brother or sister & spill my confusion, “I thought – but they said – was that a dumb decision? Am I hoping for too much? Am I being silly? What am I doing wrong? What-? How-? Why-?”

Those four rock-stars are the best teammates a girl could ever have. Sure, we’re perfectly dysfunctional. But… they have taught me a heckuva lot about what it means to love purely, the best that humans can do. (My inner angsty 15-year-old is eating crow right now.)

No matter what the issue is, each of them respond with one concern, “What’s best for you?”

Just… wow.

Yes. And thank you.

Trusting Your Inner Voice

That’s one of the coolest, most annoying things about having a great family – they really do “get” you & know you.  Throughout this journey they have consistently looked out for me & been willing to talk through everything. They know my past, where I thrive, where I struggle, & what’s healthy & unhealthy for me.

This is not to say that other friends & family don’t care for me or don’t know me. That’s not the case at all.

It’s just that… those four “know” me. They want me where my heart will thrive & don’t want me to settle for anything less than that.

One of the greatest gifts they’ve given me is the freedom & space to trust my own voice.

Sure, they ask questions & raise concerns. That’s a big reason that I turn to them – they see shady spots that my rose-tinted glasses often dim. I need loving critics who can identify troublesome spots.

They help prevent problems like this.

Underlying it all, though, is their underlying belief in me. They believe in me & push me to do the same.

My parents have repeatedly told me this year, “We believe in you. We know you. You’re not disappointing us. You’re doing all you can & that’s all we ask of you.”

My family doesn’t think I’m crazy, foolish, lazy, dimwitted, lacking, or a host of other things that I often struggle to remember as I drive home to sleep in my borrowed bed or sit down to tackle the seemingly unending list of waiting job applications.

They remind me to trust that inner voice & confidence that has consistently guided me so far. Quite frankly, I’ve had a full, satisfying time of reaching the point where I am now. I wouldn’t dare trade those experiences just for a sense of stability. I trusted my gut & that voice then, & my life has been the richer for it – why would I stop now?

My family reminds me of who I am, where I’ve been & continue to remind me to believe in myself… & the One who’s got me. They remind me to listen to the voice that’s always with me & always will be.

Positively incredible.

I hope & pray that you (yes, you stunningly attractive reader) are blessed with teammates such as these.

Psalm 143: 8, 10 8 Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life. … 10 Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Golly gee, this is how y’all make me feel!

The Not Hot Factor

I recently discovered How I Met Your Mother and it’s freakin’ hilarious. I know – it’s in its 6^th season – how could I have finally caught on to it now?

1. I’m usually not around or available to watch TV.
2. Usually every show I like gets cancelled. (October Road, Eli Stone, Kings, Pushing Daisies, etc.) I’d rather watch something that’s been successful for a while & since I’m always seasons behind, I can prepare myself for the disappointment of a series that has been killed.

Belated show discoveries aside, the show reminded me of one of my favorite tangents to share with friends – the Not Hot Factor. There’s a zillion books, articles, magazines, movies, shows, etc. about how to pick up women, but something still isn’t clicking. People still do stupid things, what is decidedly Not Hot. In the show, much like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the group’s dating stories illustrate how relationships go sour, or rather – how they never start. Typically, it’s because someone brought in the Not Hot Factor.

How do you define the Not Hot Factor? What makes someone Hot whereas someone is clearly Not Hot? Honestly, it’s hard to pin down. Unfortunately, I can’t offer much on the specific qualities of how to raise your hotness, but thanks to multiple stories & instances from friends’ and personal experiences, I’ve collected a little storehouse of Not Hot stories – failed attempts at romance. Below is a list, not ranked in order of importance, of Not Hot case studies. Unfortunately, my snippets of lack of hotness won’t solve the world’s problems, but that’s okay. Ranting is satisfying.

• Clicking Your Tongue

While dining out, an older man approached the young female server, clicked his tongue…

Wait. Stop right there. Don’t EVER click your tongue at a girl, unless she happens to be four-legged and eats food consisting of pellets. If you want to get her attention, don’t treat her like a dog. That’s just…

Not Hot.

• The Inappropriate Dinner Invite

..did the “Hey, baby” head cock and asked her if she’d like to go out for dinner after this.

Don’t be stupid. He just ordered dinner, and then promptly asked her to join him for dinner a couple hours later. Perhaps in his world that was a compliment, “Baby, I’ll eat two meals for you. You’re that great.” Regardless, his comment was idiotic and…

Not Hot.

• Underage Hit-Ons

Apparently restaurants are ripe with opportunities for men to snatch up the young vixen serving staff. Clearly, anyone working behind a counter is just begging to be wooed by hungry patrons.

If  she looks young enough that you could be her father, don’t ask her out. More so, if she looks like she’s 16, she probably is. Back off. You just walked right into Creepy Old Man territory. Back away, because that’s…

Not Hot.

• The Telescope Gaze

When speaking with a woman, give your eyes limited traveling range. If you find your gaze gliding from her face then down to her toes, and your chin almost touches your chest as your eyes roam, you’ve given her the Telescope Gaze. (It’s also highly likely that your chin is hanging ajar, too. Shut it.)

If you’ve just met this woman or have a limited acquaintance with her, don’t go body-gazing with her as the scenery. It’s yet another way to march boldly into Creepy Man territory (you can be young or old for this category) and just lost any hope of being known as that Really Great Guy. Instead, you’re the one who gave her the heebie jeebies, and the thought that muumuus might actually be a necessary outfit. Free-ranging eyes are decidedly…

Not Hot.

• The Drive-By Phone Request

When you see an attractive stranger at a stoplight or alongside you in traffic, don’t call out “Hey, baby, give me your number!” To make matters worse, don’t continue cruising alongside her, feverishly motioning for her to pull over so you can get her phone number. You’ve just hit the jackpot with the OMG-Stalker-Where’s-the-Police? Card. Most rational, safety-minded women will not pull over to give strange men their phone number and the opportunity for 1:1 interaction. Not only are you creepy, you just might get a date with the police by showing how to be utterly…

Not Hot.

• The Ever-Present Pursuer

If you call a girl once and leave a message, leave it there. There’s no need to call her immediately again. You left a message. That should be sufficient. If she wants to get back with you, she will. Let’s be practical – if she didn’t answer the first time you rang, she probably won’t be available or won’t answer 5 or 15 minutes later. Then you just sound desperate. More than anything, you sound stupid. Be practical. You told her what you wanted. Let her get back with you – don’t force it. Don’t push yourself on her, otherwise you’ll demonstrate how to be…

Not Hot.

• 5 Minute Proposals

So you met this amazing woman who just rocked your world. She’s pretty, she’s kind, she’s giving, she’s smart – she’s got everything you could ever want in a woman. She just might be the One. If the sum of your conversations have is 5-30 minutes, don’t propose. Wait. Give yourself a few days, a few months. Heck – why not actually get to know her first? (That doesn’t mean aggressively read up on her Facebook profile, either.) Try talking. Not proposing. Otherwise you’ve just freaked her out, and killed any chances of getting a “yes” to even just a date. You just become the Over-Eager Groomsman, which is…

Not Hot.

Unfortunately, these are the only stories I could recall immediately, but don’t fear – I’ll have more. In the meantime, I hope you take up the torch for eliminating the Not Hot Factor from the world, one interaction at a time. Really, losing the Not Hot Factor isn’t complicated. Just remember a couple things to ask yourself,

A) Am I doing something stupid?

• Yes – you might be foolish sometimes around people you find attractive, but think about what you’re about to do. Use your common sense.

B) Would this freak out my sister/mother/friend/child if someone did this to them?

• Perhaps you come from a community of creepy people. If so, I’m sorry – you’ll need to find a different scale for measuring your advances. Otherwise, think about how your future/real daughter might feel about someone doing this to her. Hopefully it’ll help you re-evaluate your strategy.

Overall, use some common sense. Women want respect. Respect their brains. Don’t be stupid. Respect their sensibilities by not being creepy and you can lose (or never gain) the Not Hot Factor.

Boys and girls

I’m upset.

Though it may sound odd, that’s hard for me to do – get upset. It doesn’t happen easily.

However, after talking with my teenage “little sister” from church about her relationship with her (now) ex-boyfriend, I’ve decided that our girls are under-educated about romantic relationships.

Yes, girls know that sex often equals babies, AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. But do they really know about what a positive relationship with a guy should be like?

Yes, they should have learned about relationships from interacting with their dads or other father figures, watching how genuinely strong men treat women, observing how their moms or other mother figures interact with men…. and so forth.

But sometimes they need a more complete education than that. What is okay for a guy to do when it’s just the two of you? Is it okay for him to touch you? If so, where? How and where do you draw the line with what he says and does? How is a “good” boyfriend supposed to behave with you? With others?

I guess more than anything, I want girls to have a profile of a date-able guy. When girls become teenagers, they need a pamphlet or list detailing what a great guy looks like, and what an inappropriate guy looks like. One list would detail several attitudes, characteristics and gestures….(missing word) that are negative. Things a boyfriend shouldn’t do – either with you, others or both. The other list would detail what good guys treat their girlfriends like – how you know he’s worthy as a boyfriend.

A warning paragraph would also be included that would help girls understand when a guy is going too far or when they should quit the relationship.

I’ve heard too many stories of girls who were unaware that their boyfriends were crossing the line, that the guys’ behaviors were unacceptable and not normal. Maybe schools don’t talk about it enough. Perhaps youth groups avoid the topic. Maybe parents and guardians think their daughters know what’s too far and what’s okay. However, many girls don’t know or don’t realize how unhealthy their romantic relationships are.

Maybe I’ll get together with some women and put this together at the end of finals week. Meanwhile I’m brooding.